Purposeful Pondering

Am I laying down because I have no fight in me
Or is my brilliance losing its vibrancy?
Whatever happened to the fight in me?
The one that demanded purity and a life lived righteously---
I need an enlightening.
The moments are short and I'm filled with despondency,
Lost in the trappings that I submit to mindlessly---
Whatever happened to the kinder me, gentle, yet focused tirelessly,
Never allowing depression and weakness to tower over me;
Never relinquishing my power
And now in the hour of my most needed strength,
I cower---asking God where is my faith in Him?
How did I lose it and stray so far from Him?
Where did I go that I started to not see him clearly
Or hear His voice anymore?
Why is it so hard to even desire to relinquish those things that I once abhorred?
Is my asking in vain?
Does my Father really feel the pain
---that I feel?
Does he see my hurt masked in pride and self-worth,
all while killing my body w/ the poisons that consume the dirt?

I don't know where I am, but I know that I don't want to be here
or give up on the dreams that sear my heart like a razor that can not be removed---I'm losing my tread and my pace is lagging, my soul and spirit are calling for redemption but my actions are so far extended---
What is it that has kept me in this deficit, so needy and missing,
fragmented w/ plenty indention's?---hurt so much until I struggle w/ connecting to the LOVE of my heart---

Where are you first LOVE; You elusive Spirit of wonder and endless salvation?
Where have you gone?
Or have I just wandered so far from you until I don't remember my way back home?
I'm broken and wounded, lost and bruised, neglected and misused;
so perforated and torn, rejection and displaced;
caught wearing so many mask that I don't know which one is my true face.

Where are the pastors who said they would pray,
The elders who said they would lay---hands on,
The parents who promised to guide,
The siblings with whom I could confide,
The friends who said they would ride,
The spouses who vowed love for life,
The children whose innocence knew no crime---and where are YOU?

At the time when I feel the weakest, are you there?
Are you still interested in the number of my hairs,
The length of my days,
or the exit to my life's maze?
Am I still fearfully and wonderfully MADE---
In your image even when I break your commandments
And allow fear to make me timid?
What's my sin limit?
Has my grace run out or do I have a minute?
All I know is that I don't want to imagine life without you,
Breathing w/o your Spirit,
Seeing without your vision,
Or being hidden from the place where I was first commissioned.

The cry of my heart wants you close again, so I'm going to return to the closest place, I know----
I'm seeking your hand until I see your face;

I'm yearning to hold your hand of provision;
I'm hoping that you will reach for me and you listen.

Please, hear my cry oh Father,
And give ear to the pondering heart of your Prodigal Son;

And "My mouth will show forth Your praise" and

"I will teach transgressors Your ways,

And sinners shall be converted to You."

Redeem me, that my PURPOSE may be

secure in YOU.

---D. Sherow, Jr.